This world's an ugly place

angelbabyxo96 @ 2008-08-03T12:27:00

2008-08-03T16:57:23Z

Who was the last person you talked to?
Gaby

Name one person on your top friends who is the most like you?
betcha cant do it like me!

Do you get butterflies around the person you like?
sure

Will you get married?
God only knows

When was the last time you smiled?
reading Gabys answers

Does anyone like you?
haha isnt this a meter for security

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
lilo

Do you plan on moving out next year?
this year!

Are you a forgiving person?
OKAY! OKAY! I get it! Jerk.

How many TRUE friends do you have?
more than most people have in a lifetime

Do you fall for people easily?
nope, but once I do I fall hard fast.

Have you ever fallen for your ex's best friend?
nope

Have you ever kissed anyone named Michelle?
nooope

How late did you stay up last night and why?
6ish but I fell asleep some inbetween. people!

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
if I could move other people with me!
Do you prefer to call or text?
text

When was the last time you scrubbed really hard?
ummm odd

Can you live a day without TV?
yes.
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
it takes very little for me to be disappointed
What did you do this past Saturday?
I guess this is asking for the one before yesterday...
- Sweets to Brians to see Gina.
- Dinner with Shannon
- Movie with Nick

When is the next time you'll hug someone?
when Gaby gets home from work ;)

What are you doing this coming weekend?
who knows!

Are you happy with life right now?
mostly
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
lol yes however sometimes that reason is our own stupidity

Is the last person you held hands with attractive?
mhmm

Who are you disappointed in right now?
we'll start with me and the beat goes on and on...

Do you know anyone whose name starts with a Z?
zac

Who would you like to be close with again?
Danny, Luke and Ray

Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
mhmm

What goals do you have right now?
to make goals

What do you want to do career wise?
counsel, write
Lets test your memory, what color shirt were you wearing when your last kiss?
purple tanktop

Do you remember your kindergarten teachers name?
Mrs.Discerio

Do you remember your first kiss?
no I forgot. yes dummy!

Would you rather go to a party or go out of town?
out of town.
What was the last thing you ate?
chicken
If you could get back in touch with anyone who would it be?
I already found Guichard...

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
nope
Whats on your bedroom floor?
clothes, always.

What did you wake up to this morning?
gabys abscence =(
What are you doing today?
chillen with Gaby....probably ruiniting with Sean to give him his phone

Describe your current shirt:
seans sweatshirt

Where was your default picture taken?
Calvary
Which movie did you last see in theatres?
batman
Who was it with?
Sam L and Senorita
Who were the last people you ate with?
Amanda Bear
When was the last time you felt guilty about something?
about 10 minutes ago when I took chicken from the fridge that didn't belong to me!
What color is your luggage?
most of it's black

When were you last on a boat?
end of June
When you have kids would you want a boy or a girl first?
boy.
Where are you right now?
Gabys
Do you drink your soda from a straw?
I never have straws! I also never have soda but more disappointing, I never have straws =(
What was the last thing someone bought you?
Gaby buying me disney stuff probably?
Where will you be two months from now?
Southeastern
What color hoodie did you wear last?
still wearing, seans.
Are you alone?
partially
Who did you last hang out with?
lots of people last night

What did you do last weekend?
nothing out of the ordinary
Are you still besties with the same people you were besties with a year ago?
most of them
What was the last hotel you stayed in?
one with shannon, I miss it dearly.

When did you last go to the beach?
yesterday
Would you spend the rest of your life with your current partner?
partner in crime, already guarenteed.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
hmm I changed my mind.
Are you crushing on someone?
nope
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
hahaha everytime I like someone new I cry bc I know how bad its going to be.
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
yes. ohh that was bad.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
mhm
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
mhm
Talk to any of your exes?
MIA

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
where to start

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
can be
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
mhmmm
Do you want to get married?
yes

Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Lol it's kind of like a hobby
Have you told anyone you'd marry them...
mhm, not sure how legal it was...
Is anything bothering you right now?
yeah =/

done means done with me.

2008-07-19T01:38:30Z

Kinda like a survey.

Bold if false, leave if not.

My late night singing sessions made me want to watch titanic

I don’t think that was the best and most fun idea ever

I have never really left something without completely destroying it first

I know how to break that habit

I was told everyday last week exactly what I needed to hear from God

I know this calling from God is real because it’s kept me running away from it this long, and only things that I truly fear are worth that much effort.

I believe that even if you aren’t chasing the bad, if you aren't chasing the good you will fall into the bad.

I know where to go from here.

I have made the commitment to acknowledge God as not just a savior and friend but as a Lord and a Lover.

I believe this means being motivated by chains of love and sacrifice.

I am the owner of my body, my heart, and my actions.

I am prone to overlook the bad when I shouldn’t be and hold onto the bad when I need to let it go.

I regret everything

I didn’t fail miserably at trying to convince myself otherwise.

Sometimes I do stupid things or let myself get really depressed just to see how much I can handle

I think that is a healthy thing to do

I am going to have faith that if I give God my complete obedience He will take care of my emotions that I have no clue how to protect anyways.

I had a great week with Garfield and he made me feel really valued

I heard the phrase “you will lose a friend” or “let go” in about 3498383 different ways.

I know exactly what to do with that knowledge

I know that I have lived a faith of a toddler for far too long because I have been afraid to leave the babies.

I think Shannon is really wise and thank God for it.

I am mourning the death of me, but am excited for life as God intended.

I have an incredible devotional ‘There is no limit to what God can do if you are not seeking your own glory.”

I am petrified of failing

I find anything that holds me back from God worth it, including fear of failure, fear of leaving others behind or fear of looking like an idiot.

I will wait upon the Lord

And I sang that song and smiled and lifted my hands not in frustration for the first time =)….

And did so without laughing at myself

I think Hebrews 5:11 was too applicable to my life (We have so much to say about this but it’s hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of Gods words all over again.)

Matthew 13:15 is stopping me from force feeding people other things like the book of Isaiah, or Ephesians 5.

I can share with everyone the experience I’ve had that completely captured me in a way that captures them.

That is how I know it is a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.

I don't want it - No - I can't want it anymore
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity

......................................................................

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
And make me empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled fromthe wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight life
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
Than this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel

I fail.

Girls aren't meant to be broken, silly, don't you get it?

2008-06-15T16:08:19Z

http://slideroll.com/?s=eanma3ws

storytime....

2008-06-08T06:36:05Z

I asked her to stay
But she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say..
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that
It's not over tonight
The weight of the things that remain

”Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Could make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time”

you are young but so am i
and this is wrong, but who am i to judge
i feel like heaven when we touch
i guess for me this is enough
we're one mistake from being together
but let's not ask why it's not right
you won't be seventeen forever
and we can get away with this tonight.
you are young and i was scared
you're wise beyond your years, but i don't care
I put myself in that position every single time I have the chance
But 20 years of bad decisions haven't taught me much at all

“I know it's not my business to be digging up these things I shouldn't know
In separate events you're making everyone pretened it's not your fault
You know you own my body, but don't think that you control my mouth
Having every question answered isn't gonna help at all
When you're not supposed to know
It's pretty clear -- the truth, I mean -- it's written here on every single page
I'm smitten but not stupid; I can read it all over your face
Cuz I'm not so sure why I'm here and why I wanna
Keep on hanging 'round right now
Not that I do it now or any day
Sometimes I just get burned out
About lots of things and well just doubt
Why am I so misunderstood cuz I wanna know this
you got something bad and I want it
Even though I know it's wrong
But I won't be blessed cuz I know this so I can't have that

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make”

Cause it's not that I don't want you,
It's that I don't want you here tomorrow morning,
Just want here right now, Just want you for the night.
And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen.

Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Just give me one more chance to make it right
She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear
She motions outside.
I trail her closely from behind
She tries hard not to cry
She shakes underneath the pouring rain

"I can't compete with all your damn ideas
This isn't working out for you or me
The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend
Cause you're spineless and too much to take
And my kindness was a big mistake
It gets me nowhere…
You can't keep safe what wants to break
I'm alone in this
I'm as I've always been"

She's lost in this
She's like she'll always be

angelbabyxo96 @ 2008-06-04T00:10:00

2008-06-04T04:10:15Z

abc survey
A is for age:
17

B is for beer of choice:
the one that doesnt taste like beer.. ( good call katelynn)

C is for what you can't wait for right now?
actually enjoying the day by da

D is for your dog's name?
haha depends on which version you want. missy/gretchen, aly/amanda

E is for essential item you use everyday:
cell phone

F is for favorite TV show at the moment:
hmm contemplated mentioning it for C but decided against it

G is for favorite game:
the kind I can win

H is for Home town:
lameeeeeeeee . fort lauderdale

I is for instruments you play?
well my singing voice is often joined with sweetings to put people to sleep
aka comas they wish to never wake from =p

J is for favorite juice:
APPLE!!

K is for whose ass you'd like to kick:
=x

L is for last food you ate:
iceeeeeee cream!

M is for marriage:
perhaps

N is for your name:
sammi

O is for overnight hospital stay?
thats the best they can think of to ask for o?

P is for people you can't live without as of today:
i guess i could technically live without anyone but theres a lot I wouldnt want to live without

Q is for quote:
"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid."
-John Wayne

R is for Biggest Regret:
haha on that note

S is for school:
southeastern

T is for time you woke up today:
11ish?

U is for color of underwear you have on:
pink

V is for vegetable you love:
spinach!

W is for worst habit:
worrying

X is for # of x-rays you've had:
not sure

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
the ice cream! and the apple this morning was actually incredible.

Z is for your zodiac
virgo

Sammi....

2008-04-17T21:41:32Z

made it through a whole day without crying or being angry =)

Home-A, i've been enjoying them as of late
School-D somedays, B other days so I guess a C
Guys-N/A
Friends-B few kinks but overall good
God- B same as friends really
College-B-/C+ I like my decision I just don't like what I've led everyone to believe im incapable of

Weekend Events Coming Up: ( this is more for myself than others )

Tomorrow: Daniella + Rays Birthday and.... dress shopping with Rachael (Shannon?)
Saturday: Derricks Birthday, Ginas?
Sunday: Moms birthday

angelbabyxo96 @ 2008-04-13T01:24:00

2008-04-13T05:19:11Z

so this journal entry will probably only stay up for a couple of days but for now it's here.

more twists in the college story, leaving me attending southeastern so it appears. but the moment I get used to the idea it will change, so what does it matter trying to figure it out. what's the use trying to figure anything out really it's all in Gods plan anyway and it doesn't really find out if i find out now or later, it's all going to end up the same. Kind of sick of waiting though, but God doesn't really care too much about my comfort right now. Hopefully he really does care about my character because it doesn't seem to be benefiting either.

I'm sick of not allowing myself to leave this place mentally. It doesn't matter where I go physically...I keep telling myself it will be the end all but it's not true. Surroundings might make it easier but ultimately it is up to me to set myself free and it's my own weakness that has kept me from being.

Glad some are getting better, some are getting their freedom ,

one day I will too.

my devotion for today

2008-02-25T11:31:20Z

We're like the circus elephant whose leg is held to a stake with a bicycle chain. How can a flimsy chain control such a brawny elephant? the elephant is locked up by a memory. As a baby, the elephant tried to break loose but wasn't strong enough. It was burned into the elephant's brain that the chain was stronger than he was, and he hasn't forgotten that lesson. Even though the elephant ould break the chain in a msall yank, he rarely tries. He's onditioned to captivity. But notice this: if he does break away, he is almost impossible to control again.

how you think about yourself works teh same way. most of us are trained to think that how we look, perform, and achieve is all important- so even when we know better, we're chained by that dumb idea. God is stronger than those chains.
When you allow Scripture to dig it's way deep into your heart, you start afresh. You're bigger than the chains that bind you.

Who shouts louder- the people around you who hand you a warped view of who you are or God with his true view of you- why? 8

angelbabyxo96 @ 2008-02-22T14:49:00

2008-02-22T19:50:00Z

hmm. first uninspired or unventing/ unemotional entry to offer I think in years.

I'm so glad chapel is over
I'm so glad Jesus heals
I'm so glad I have nature
I'm so glad I have Shannon and Sweets
I'm so glad Gina is coming home tonight
I'm so glad the worst is over for a bit
I'm so glad that even if it's not me and Jesus are good
I'm so glad I'm getting sushi with Rachael afterschool
I'm so glad my friendships are still in tact
I'm so glad I've been busy lately
I'm so glad old friends are checking in just to say hey
I'm so glad there's only 98 days till graduation
I'm so glad God says to be still and know that he's God.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2008-01-10T13:04:00

2008-01-10T18:05:16Z

I think the greatest thing about God is that he doesn't expect me to be put together, he doesn't expect me to know the answers... HE DOESNT WANT ME TO! He doesn't want me to be doing everything perfectly and it's not about right and wrong.

It's the journey. the journey with him and for the first time in a long time I'm really enjoying it. Even though nothing all that great is happening and even though the future is so unsure and I don't want to expect anything I am just so excited to be LIVING. Not just because I know great things will happen because bad will also, but just because.

Life can be so discouraging sometimes.
but I'm so encouraged right now.
and not with a bunch of flase hopes
or preconcieved notions that I'm unsure of
but of the things that are true right now.

Jesus+Me can get through anything. and the goal isn't to get over hard times- hard times aren't the enemy. It's to not just see but BE WITH GOD through them and I'm not doing anything wrong when I'm happy or when I'm sad.

it's not even about wrong or right, it's about destructive or constructive.
it's above love or loss

take it easy.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-12-09T12:50:00

2007-12-09T22:09:19Z

ah Lord, there's got to be more to life than this. Everything is so dull lately and we all spend our time trying to fabricate some grand adventure or some downhill spiral for experience sake. I understand perfectly right now what the author of Ecclesiastes meant when he spoke about life being meaningless. What happened to people just being excited to get to spend time with one another, when sleepovers and prank calling boys was enough. Now nothing is enough. It's a weird feeling knowing that experiences don't determine the level of happiness and excitement. Drinking won't make me happy, having the boy of my dreams won't make my life full. Even being a perfect christian won't give life that "new" feel everyone is constantly searching for.

Honestly I don't know how much I would be missing if I got grounded for Christmas break. I would feel like I was and granted I'd be bored and lonely but the majority of the time breaks are just a large reminder that we're missing something. So we search, search, search for this non existant thing. We all know that somethings not right but no one knows what it is that could make them happy. I heard 4 people I was with yesterday all say that they didn't know what was wrong with them, but they knew that something was so wrong. I have to ask myself, can we all really have something that wrong with us or do we just not want to admit that we are never going to be content.

I mean maybe it's as simple as we need to be closer with Jesus and none of us are letting ourselves because we're afraid that it won't be the end all either and that's the only hope we have left. Or maybe it's just as simple as Lewis says "If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." Maybe we're asking for too much, maybe we're asking for too little.

All I know is the luster of sneaking around is fading and it's not even like I do anything wrong, but I still find myself forced to lie. I don't think that I'm better than the people who are doing wrong things though because I know that it's only by the grace of God that my desires and opprotunities have never coincided. I do know however that there is far much in this brain that can not be shared- of my own and of others buisness. and it's funny to share more than 90% of the people around me share and still have such a large portion of things that can't be known.

I was told today that I was an unrealistic teenager, that I am a mom.
and honestly I'm not even angry or frustrated that im stuck in the role of mom like I used to be. I remember a time where it would've bothered me that everyone else can screw up and I can't because everyone would be disappointed in me. There was a time where I wanted to be like everyone else and just be able to have fun and be free. I wanted to drink, dance, hook up, make rash idiot decisions but that just isn't me and it's not that I take pride or shame it in... but either way I really just dont care anymore. It seems we spend most of our lifes fighting ourselves and I'm done for a while even if that means staying in one place.

...and tomorrow I'll be restless again

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-11-15T02:33:00

2007-11-15T07:59:20Z

I asked God to reveal himself and even in the middle of the night due to my coffee He is still speaking so largely to me.

I'm always so cautious that I'm getting ahead of myself, to have hope like this.... that I will only be setting up for disappointment, but maybe I've got something with these thoughts-because they have more clarity then I've had in all my councious hours combined.

I remember a while back I was so upset because everyone seemed to have this idealistic view of me that just wasn't true, and I wanted it to be but it wasn't. and people thought that I was this great person filled with integrity just because I endured a housefire with a smile. and I didn't do that, God did. It was so much pressure and I got scared because I started questioning my motives and I felt myself getting prideful and I didn't want to ever feel like I didn't need God but at the same time I didn't want to lose my identity. I didn't want for people to just see God but pretend that it was Sammi. I wanted to be Sammi that was filled with God but that people could see where one started and one finished. and it goes back to that quote that I read a long time ago that now ironically Sprouse has on his myspace and the basic theme of the book I was just reading "Waking the dead".....

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

and I believe that because I feel like I lived it, I walked around feeling like I was hiding something but I had no clue what it was that I was hiding. So I started backtracking because I wasn't sure I had really deserved this faith and status or if it had just been handed to me. And I was so scared that if I became this person I had already started to become that I would lose relateability with people- that they would feel like I was off in another land somewhere and couldn't help them.

But Jesus wasn't like that. He was perfect but he wasn't automatic. He was perfect but he felt things. ITS OKAY TO FEEL THINGS. It's okay to struggle. Jesus carried a literal cross that represents the burden that we are choosing to carry if we follow after Him. He didn't do it in perfect stride. He did it with sweat and tears. and no matter how much like Jesus I get I will always relate to all kinds of people because I will always struggle just as they do but by looking like Jesus I will provide hope that you can overcome the things of this world.

Sometimes I become so discouraged looking at people who can contain the struggles they are dealing with, but I am so happy that God doesn't allow me to do that because I want the world to see that He is working through someone who can't do it alone.

if this truly is my God, I am so in love.

and not that this was the only reason for my faliures, but this gives me so much clairty on that trip downhill I started taking a while back. and it makes so much sense that we really do have Gods glory in us, because we all have this hope that we can choose to ignore or choose to accept- and it involves being a greater person and it involves living a life free from the things that hold us down."If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" ( C.S Lewis) We were made for a different kind of life!! We are fighting for it everyday- but it's hard to win when you don't realize you're fighting and pick up a sword.

and I was so scared to see this because I thought that if I began to like myself, then I might lose sight of the Savior but the thing is, I'm fighting for the Glory that he has the key to. Anything beautiful about me is beautiful about Him and he's not mad at me that I don't already fully obtain it. He just knows that if he doesn't convict me I might never reach for it.

This life isn't purposed so we go through the process of mundane to become "ready for heaven", it's to fight for what Satan tried to take from us. God wanted us to have life and adventure, he didn't want to lay it all out for us because He knows the joy we will recieve after the battle is over is far greater than anything that He just handed to us.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-10-26T21:17:00

2007-10-27T01:17:11Z

I think I need a break from everyone and everything but my pillow.
i cant listen anymore, and i can't talk anymore.
i just need to rest

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-10-14T15:52:00

2007-10-14T22:53:43Z

i think i'm about to walk away from one or two of the more beautiful things in my life.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-10-06T14:58:00

2007-10-06T19:10:06Z

ahh I feel so good and felt I should write because I never write when I'm happy.
I'm not really sure how long this will last, or what the real reason is but I feel perfectly content with life right now.
I know that I've been messing up and I know that I don't deserve this homecoming stuff half as much as people think I do. I know that I lack integrity even now and God probably isn't pleased with that, and things aren't perfect with guys,

I've been chasing success with God but really I just needed to LOVE

and right now I love people, and I love God and I feel like people love me and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't understand everything but I guess I don't have to. and I realized thanks to a good book and good friends that it's okay where I'm at. To stop looking at what's made me happy in the past and to stop saying " well one day I'll be happy and get what I want" because maybe right now I just happen to have everything I need.

life really can be so beautiful.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-09-24T07:04:00

2007-09-24T11:06:52Z

Lord I feel so small sometimes
in this big old place
yeah I know theres more important things
but don't forget to remember me

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-08-24T23:56:00

2007-08-25T03:58:43Z

ahh.
back home from first football game. lost =(
but at least it doesn't count.
WATER GIRLS!!!!! I love it
I also love the way things are with me and a certain boy.
how it should be.
i want to update about my first week of senior year
but im exhausted. so to be contnued..

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-08-13T22:07:00

2007-08-14T02:32:06Z

hey there. so i'm considering writing a really really really long entry for when people get bored, I mean I don't know how bored one would have to be but today I think I would have read just about anything hahaha. Anywho. Last night I hung out with Hilary, Chayil and Abbey for old times sake before Abbey leaves. It was good- some things change and some things never do. I'm starting to get sad about people leaving. I should update this thing when I'm happy at least you know once a month hahaha. I think I need to write a little bit about why I'm blessed

God loves me, and died for me, and forgives me
I have incredible friends
I go to an awesome school that I'm going to be a senior at next year
I have teachers I can talk to and am excited to see
Music exist
My phone is consistant
Pms can only last so long
My parents are doing the best they know how
Most of the people I care about I'll see in heaven
I can write and run
I can go watch a movie with chayil.

<3

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-07-03T20:52:00

2007-07-04T00:53:15Z

I NEVER LEFT!!!!! =)

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-06-16T15:10:00

2007-06-16T19:12:24Z

Sometimes I wonder if I know what I'm doing at all..

and other times I don't have to wonder.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-05-02T14:34:00

2007-05-02T18:34:48Z

you know you're at cca when...

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-05-02T11:39:00

2007-05-02T15:47:17Z

"Our Song"

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart
I look around, turn the radio down
He says baby is something wrong?
I say nothing I was just thinking how we don't have a song
And he says...

Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When you're on the phone and you talk real slow
Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date "man, I didn't kiss her, but I should have"
And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again

I was walking up the front porch steps after everything the day
Had gone all wrong or been trampled on
And lost and thrown away
Got to the hallway, well on my way to my lovin' bed
I almost didn't notice all the roses
And the note that said...

Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When you're on the phone and you talk real slow
Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date "man, I didn't kiss her, but I should have"
And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again

I've heard every album, listened to the radio
Waited for something to come along
That was as good as our song...

Cause our song is the slamming screen door
Sneaking out late, tapping on his window
When we're on the phone and he talks real slow
Cause it's late and his mama don't know
Our song is the way he laughs
The first date "man, I didn't kiss him, and I could have"
And when I got home, before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone
In the front seat of his car
I grabbed a pen and an old napkin
And I... wrote down our song

SAMMISSSSSSS BACKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-04-24T18:57:00

2007-04-24T23:32:19Z

"Don't worry God will help you get through it" Is that what life is? Getting through it. Maybe it really isin't worth living. Maybe it's just perspective. Maybe you have to convince yourself that life can be worth living and once you chase it you'll find it. I can't chase it anymore. "it's like the wind, and I'm tired of chasing the wind"- shannon. So maybe when i have more energy I'll be able to see joy. This is what it's always going to be like- this struggle just for a second of a genuine smile. I want to scream please dont leave me to everyone I've ever known but what for? Things didnt mean what I thought they did. We fabricate these ideas of how meaningful our realationships are but if friendship was really as powerful as we think it is then people really wouldn't move on and every person who had a friend would change the world and would reach out to all the people without. If love was really that powerful than do you think that people would be making a living just to listen to someone? If love can take on almost anything don't you think it could get through to someone who couldn't feel it? If truth set you free than wouldn't we be free from the consequences of that truth? All this bullcrap about how you have to realize that you are free and fly for yourself- does anyone know how to really do that? What that really means? "Things will get better, just think things could be so much worse". Do you honestly think that if logic had any effect on me I'd feel this way? Knowing that somoene else has it worse doesn't make it any better, it just makes me feel more ridiculous for being sad. But I am sad, and I'm scared I may never stop being sad. I know it is in my control wether or not if I am happy but I don't think everyone has to try this hard. I am so incredibly blessed and I can't think of a single thing that I could have that would make me happier. I used to think that if I had love I would be happier, if luke and danny saw God, if my brother got over his drug addiction, if things were good for my mom, if I were thin, if I got straight A's, if the people I care about cared about me, if goodbyes weren't necessity, if my Dad knew God but you know I probably still wouldn't be happy. I don't know why I'm unhappy but I can't keep telling myself how dumb it is that I feel this way because I'm done hating myself. I can't hate myself anymore, because I can't hope that someone will love myself for me...I've learned that much. I will always be me and that is the most consistant thing I can count on- I might as well start treating myself right. In that I keep disappointing everyone around me though and I'm sorry. Nick and to whomever else I failed I'm sorry I can't get better. I can't feel God and even if I could that doesn't change the facts. THERE ISIN'T MUCH TO LIFE TO LOOK FOWARD TO ( and in my case anything I could look foward to I ruin with expectations or HOPE...God told us to HOPE, what on earth for?)hope to one day look back on this entry and think wow you were so dumb sammi? I know God exist and I know he cares about me but believe it or not that doesn't change everything else. That doesn't change that we live in a world where most people just plain dont care and even if they do they don't forever. That doesn't change that my emotions overpower me. I am not strong and I dont have the energy to pray every single day for God to save me from myself. This is a battle I don't want to fight. I am too lazy to perservere. It's the little things in life that keep most people going and I can't run on crackers anymore.

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-04-17T07:04:00

2007-04-17T11:06:59Z

I don't know if anyone else has noticed
but in english class
without even reading the literature
you can pretty much assume
what's going to be said
how it's going to be said
and what it's going to mean
based on the author and title
I wonder if the teachers are hoping we guess
and don't even really expect us to read at this point
because we've gone over the same stuff for 10 years
maybe they secretly want us to stop wasting our time
and just deduce...

angelbabyxo96 @ 2007-04-14T21:55:00

2007-04-15T01:55:47Z

In 1994, Tom Hanks as the character Forrest Gump uttered a phrase that would forever define a decade: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.” Now he gave credit to his “momma” for such a pithy and profound statement, and for years I thought it was right on. Recently however my box has been hijacked. My circumstances have shown me that my box of chocolates has been the victim of a massive prank. To loosely paraphrase the comedian Jim Gaffigan talking about chocolate candy, “I got the one with toothpaste in it.”

I think a lot of people carry around this depression that eats at our souls. It’s a cry for something—something we may not even know how to verbalize or explain. It’s a feeling that carries alongside of it an insatiable desire to be fixed. It can be a depression caused by someone else or a recently-experienced loss. It may be a general frustration at the world as it limps its way around the solar system and the little hope that seems to be in it. It may be because your cat howled all night long, and you ran out of pillows to throw at it. Whatever the case, most of us have days, or sometimes several days looped together, where we have this funk attached to us, and anything can trigger it!

Now, I don’t want to sound like there is a huge black hole that is over my head—what I really want to know is how does someone who claims to love and serve Christ find himself in a place where he’s near the point of depression? More importantly, and because I assume that I’m not the only one who finds myself in this place, what do we do when were there? How do we look into the box and deal with what we’ve found?

In a really ironic way, I find hope in my little box of depression. One of my pastors recently reminded our small group that when things are rough, she remembers God’s story. Now this isn’t a just “trust through it” moment. What she meant was: He has been faithful to so many people long before she was even in the picture. In His Word are the stories of His faithfulness to those who’ve gone through hard times, and those stories belong to us; they are our stories too.

If that’s true, then the times when they were depressed and looking at life with more of a smirk then a smile, those times are our stories too. We are there when Elijah motors away from Jezebel and heads to “God’s Mountain” and asks to die. We’re there when Job is sitting in ash listening to his moron friends trying to pour blame down his throat. We’re there when Noah’s leaf withers. We’re there with Mary and Martha when their brother has been in the grave four days.

This is where I find hope—others, often times great people of great faith have been down, frustrated and ready to take the next train out here. Some of these people talk to God, and He reinvigorates their focus—sometimes with a gentle whisper, sometimes with more of a loving jab and sometimes with silence. In most cases, God doesn’t just say, “Hey kid don’t be down, be happy.” No usually it sounds more like, “Don’t fear, I’m here with you, suffering alongside of you, and we have a choice to make.”

I guess this where the other part comes in—He is faithful, even when we can’t feel it, see it or believe it. He is right there with us. When I’m unlovable and grumpy—He’s loving me! When I want the world to be totally flushed—He’s still loving me and giving me a choice. When I wake up in the morning, and I want to stay in bed and hide from the world—He’s there, not condemning me or making me feel guilty.

I love that God can look into our situations and be frustrated with us. Maybe that’s how I deal with it. When the depression comes, when the loneliness sets in, when the last straw has been snapped, He’ll be there—a Father that comforts us even when we bite into our chocolates and find something we weren’t expecting.