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Samantha


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[August 9th, 2008
@ 6:32pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Hmm.
It's a general consensus that expressions flow better after sundown
That night rids all of the inhibitions
Still here I am constricted
Proving that even in the easiest of times
I can still manage incompetency

Summers winding down
Though I’m not sure if that’s the right term
Because winding down more so defines the year
Nerves, Closure, Hearts, Friendships, Strengths.
It's unfortunate that selfish and shallow endeavors
give the comfort of something meaningful
it seems like everything good turns out to be false
so holding back, holding up, holding onto
despite all the losing it still doesn't lead to letting go


I adore listening or watching people indulge in their passions
Hope is in the minors

/ Comment / Memories / Edit /

[August 3rd, 2008
@ 12:27pm]


 
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done means done with me. [July 18th, 2008
@ 9:38pm]

Kinda like a survey.

Bold if false, leave if not.

 

 

My late night singing sessions made me want to watch titanic

 

I don’t think that was the best and most fun idea ever

 

I have never really left something without completely destroying it first

 

I know how to break that habit

 

I was told everyday last week exactly what I needed to hear from God

 

I know this calling from God is real because it’s kept me running away from it this long, and only things that I truly fear are worth that much effort.

 

I believe that even if you aren’t chasing the bad, if you aren't chasing the good you will fall into the bad.

 
I know where to go from here.

I have made the commitment to acknowledge God as not just a savior and friend but as a Lord and a Lover.

 

I believe this means being motivated by chains of love and sacrifice.

 

I am the owner of my body, my heart, and my actions.

 

I am prone to overlook the bad when I shouldn’t be and hold onto the bad when I need to let it go.

 

I regret everything

 

I didn’t fail miserably at trying to convince myself otherwise.

 

Sometimes I do stupid things or let myself get really depressed just to see how much I can handle

 

I think that is a healthy thing to do

 

I am going to have faith that if I give God my complete obedience He will take care of my emotions that I have no clue how to protect anyways.

 

I had a great week with Garfield and he made me feel really valued

 

I heard the phrase “you will lose a friend” or “let go” in about 3498383 different ways.

 

I know exactly what to do with that knowledge

 

I know that I have lived a faith of a toddler for far too long because I have been afraid to leave the babies.

 

I think Shannon is really wise and thank God for it.

 

I am mourning the death of me, but am excited for life as God intended.

 

I have an incredible devotional ‘There is no limit to what God can do if you are not seeking your own glory.”

 

I am petrified of failing

 

I find anything that holds me back from God worth it, including fear of failure, fear of leaving others behind or fear of looking like an idiot.

 

I will wait upon the Lord

 

And I sang that song and smiled and lifted my hands not in frustration for the first time =)….

 

And did so without laughing at myself

 

I think Hebrews 5:11 was too applicable to my life (We have so much to say about this but it’s hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of Gods words all over again.)

 

Matthew 13:15 is stopping me from force feeding people other things like the book of Isaiah, or Ephesians 5.

 

I can share with everyone the experience I’ve had that completely captured me in a way that captures them.

 

That is how I know it is a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.

 

 

I don't want it - No - I can't want it anymore
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
 

......................................................................

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
And make me empty

And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled fromthe wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight life
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
Than this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel


 
I fail.
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Girls aren't meant to be broken, silly, don't you get it? [June 15th, 2008
@ 12:08pm]
http://slideroll.com/?s=eanma3ws
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storytime.... [June 7th, 2008
@ 11:35pm]

I asked her to stay
But she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say..
 Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that
It's not over tonight
The weight of the things that remain 







Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Just give me one more chance to make it right

She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear
She motions outside.
I trail her closely from behind
She tries hard not to cry
She shakes underneath the pouring rain

"I can't compete with all your damn ideas
This isn't working out for you or me
The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend
Cause you're spineless and too much to take
And my kindness was a big mistake
It gets me nowhere…
You can't keep safe what wants to break
I'm alone in this
I'm as I've always been"


She's lost in this
She's like she'll always be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[June 4th, 2008
@ 12:10am]
abc survey
A is for age:
17

B is for beer of choice:
the one that doesnt taste like beer.. ( good call katelynn)

C is for what you can't wait for right now?
actually enjoying the day by da

D is for your dog's name?
haha depends on which version you want. missy/gretchen, aly/amanda

E is for essential item you use everyday:
cell phone

F is for favorite TV show at the moment:
hmm contemplated mentioning it for C but decided against it

G is for favorite game:
the kind I can win

H is for Home town:
lameeeeeeeee . fort lauderdale

I is for instruments you play?
well my singing voice is often joined with sweetings to put people to sleep
aka comas they wish to never wake from =p

J is for favorite juice:
APPLE!!

K is for whose ass you'd like to kick:
=x

L is for last food you ate:
iceeeeeee cream!

M is for marriage:
perhaps

N is for your name:
sammi

O is for overnight hospital stay?
thats the best they can think of to ask for o?

P is for people you can't live without as of today:
i guess i could technically live without anyone but theres a lot I wouldnt want to live without

Q is for quote:
"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid."
-John Wayne 

R is for Biggest Regret:
haha on that note

S is for school:
southeastern

T is for time you woke up today:
11ish?

U is for color of underwear you have on:
pink

V is for vegetable you love:
spinach!

W is for worst habit:
worrying

X is for # of x-rays you've had:
not sure

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
the ice cream! and the apple this morning was actually incredible.

Z is for your zodiac 
virgo
 
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Sammi.... [April 17th, 2008
@ 5:41pm]

made it through a whole day without crying or being angry =)

Home-A, i've been enjoying them as of late
School-D somedays, B other days so I guess a C
Guys-N/A
Friends-B few kinks but overall good
God- B same as friends really
College-B-/C+ I like my decision I just don't like what I've led everyone to believe im incapable of

Weekend Events Coming Up: ( this is more for myself than others )

Tomorrow: Daniella + Rays Birthday and.... dress shopping with Rachael (Shannon?)
Saturday: Derricks Birthday, Ginas?
Sunday: Moms birthday



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[April 13th, 2008
@ 1:24am]

 eh

so this journal entry will probably only stay up for a couple of days but for now it's here.

more twists in the college story, leaving me attending southeastern so it appears. but the moment I get used to the idea it will change, so what does it matter trying to figure it out. what's the use trying to figure anything out really it's all in Gods plan anyway and it doesn't really find out if i find out now or later, it's all going to end up the same. Kind of sick of waiting though, but God doesn't really care too much about my comfort right now. Hopefully he really does care about my character because it doesn't seem to be benefiting either.

I'm sick of not allowing myself to leave this place mentally. It doesn't matter where I go physically...I keep telling myself it will be the end all but it's not true. Surroundings might make it easier but ultimately it is up to me to set myself free and it's my own weakness that has kept me from being.

Glad some are getting better, some are getting their freedom ,

 

 

 one day I will too.

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my devotion for today [February 23rd, 2008
@ 6:26am]
 We're like the circus elephant whose leg is held to a stake with a bicycle chain. How can a flimsy chain control such a brawny elephant? the elephant is locked up by a memory. As a baby, the elephant tried to break loose but wasn't strong enough. It was burned into the elephant's brain that the chain was stronger than he was, and he hasn't forgotten that lesson. Even though the elephant ould break the chain in a msall yank, he rarely tries. He's onditioned to captivity. But notice this: if he does break away, he is almost impossible to control again. 

how you think about yourself works teh same way. most of us are trained to think that how we look, perform, and achieve is all important- so even when we know better, we're chained by that dumb idea. God is stronger than those chains.
When you allow Scripture to dig it's way deep into your heart, you start afresh. You're bigger than the chains that bind you. 

Who shouts louder- the people around you who hand you a warped view of who you are or God with his true view of you- why? 8
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[February 22nd, 2008
@ 2:49pm]
 hmm. first uninspired or unventing/ unemotional entry to offer I think in years.

I'm so glad chapel is over
I'm so glad Jesus heals
I'm so glad I have nature
I'm so glad I have Shannon and Sweets
I'm so glad Gina is coming home tonight
I'm so glad the worst is over for a bit
I'm so glad that even if it's not me and Jesus are good
I'm so glad I'm getting sushi with Rachael afterschool
I'm so glad my friendships are still in tact
I'm so glad I've been busy lately
I'm so glad old friends are checking in just to say hey
I'm so glad there's only 98 days till graduation
I'm so glad God says to be still and know that he's God. 
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[January 10th, 2008
@ 1:04pm]
I think the greatest thing about God is that he doesn't expect me to be put together, he doesn't expect me to know the answers... HE DOESNT WANT ME TO! He doesn't want me to be doing everything perfectly and it's not about right and wrong.

It's the journey. the journey with him and for the first time in a long time I'm really enjoying it. Even though nothing all that great is happening and even though the future is so unsure and I don't want to expect anything I am just so excited to be LIVING. Not just because I know great things will happen because bad will also, but just because.

Life can be so discouraging sometimes.
but I'm so encouraged right now.
and not with a bunch of flase hopes
or preconcieved notions that I'm unsure of
but of the things that are true right now.

Jesus+Me can get through anything. and the goal isn't to get over hard times- hard times aren't the enemy. It's to not just see but BE WITH GOD through them and I'm not doing anything wrong when I'm happy or when I'm sad.

it's not even about wrong or right, it's about destructive or constructive.
it's above love or loss

take it easy.
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[December 9th, 2007
@ 12:50pm]
ah Lord, there's got to be more to life than this. Everything is so dull lately and we all spend our time trying to fabricate some grand adventure or some downhill spiral for experience sake. I understand perfectly right now what the author of Ecclesiastes meant when he spoke about life being meaningless. What happened to people just being excited to get to spend time with one another, when sleepovers and prank calling boys was enough. Now nothing is enough. It's a weird feeling knowing that experiences don't determine the level of happiness and excitement. Drinking won't make me happy, having the boy of my dreams won't make my life full. Even being a perfect christian won't give life that "new" feel everyone is constantly searching for.

Honestly I don't know how much I would be missing if I got grounded for Christmas break. I would feel like I was and granted I'd be bored and lonely but the majority of the time breaks are just a large reminder that we're missing something. So we search, search, search for this non existant thing. We all know that somethings not right but no one knows what it is that could make them happy. I heard 4 people I was with yesterday all say that they didn't know what was wrong with them, but they knew that something was so wrong. I have to ask myself, can we all really have something that wrong with us or do we just not want to admit that we are never going to be content.

I mean maybe it's as simple as we need to be closer with Jesus and none of us are letting ourselves because we're afraid that it won't be the end all either and that's the only hope we have left. Or maybe it's just as simple as Lewis says "If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." Maybe we're asking for too much, maybe we're asking for too little.

All I know is the luster of sneaking around is fading and it's not even like I do anything wrong, but I still find myself forced to lie. I don't think that I'm better than the people who are doing wrong things though because I know that it's only by the grace of God that my desires and opprotunities have never coincided. I do know however that there is far much in this brain that can not be shared- of my own and of others buisness. and it's funny to share more than 90% of the people around me share and still have such a large portion of things that can't be known.

I was told today that I was an unrealistic teenager, that I am a mom.
and honestly I'm not even angry or frustrated that im stuck in the role of mom like I used to be. I remember a time where it would've bothered me that everyone else can screw up and I can't because everyone would be disappointed in me. There was a time where I wanted to be like everyone else and just be able to have fun and be free. I wanted to drink, dance, hook up, make rash idiot decisions but that just isn't me and it's not that I take pride or shame it in... but either way I really just dont care anymore. It seems we spend most of our lifes fighting ourselves and I'm done for a while even if that means staying in one place.





























...and tomorrow I'll be restless again
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[November 15th, 2007
@ 2:33am]
[ mood | enthralled ]

I asked God to reveal himself and even in the middle of the night due to my coffee He is still speaking so largely to me. 

I'm always so cautious that I'm getting ahead of myself, to have hope like this.... that I will only be setting up for disappointment, but maybe I've got something with these thoughts-because they have more clarity then I've had in all my councious hours combined.

I remember a while back I was so upset because everyone seemed to have this idealistic view of me that just wasn't true, and I wanted it to be but it wasn't. and people thought that I was this great person filled with integrity just because I endured a housefire with a smile. and I didn't do that, God did. It was so much pressure and I got scared because I started questioning my motives and I felt myself getting prideful and I didn't want to ever feel like I didn't need God but at the same time I didn't want to lose my identity. I didn't want for people to just see God but pretend that it was Sammi. I wanted to be Sammi that was filled with God but that people could see where one started and one finished. and it goes back to that quote that I read a long time ago that now ironically Sprouse has on his myspace and the basic theme of the book I was just reading "Waking the dead".....

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

and I believe that because I feel like I lived it, I walked around feeling like I was hiding something but I had no clue what it was that I was hiding. So I started backtracking because I wasn't sure I had really deserved this faith and status or if it had just been handed to me. And I was so scared that if I became this person I had already started to become that I would lose relateability with people- that they would feel like I was off in another land somewhere and couldn't help them.

But Jesus wasn't like that. He was perfect but he wasn't automatic. He was perfect but he felt things. ITS OKAY TO FEEL THINGS. It's okay to struggle. Jesus carried a literal cross that represents the burden that we are choosing to carry if we follow after Him. He didn't do it in perfect stride. He did it with sweat and tears. and no matter how much like Jesus I get I will always relate to all kinds of people because I will always struggle just as they do but by looking like Jesus I will provide hope that you can overcome the things of this world.

Sometimes I become so discouraged looking at people who can contain the struggles they are dealing with, but I am so happy that God doesn't allow me to do that because I want the world to see that He is working through someone who can't do it alone.

if this truly is my God, I am so in love.

and not that this was the only reason for my faliures, but this gives me so much clairty on that trip downhill I started taking a while back. and it makes so much sense that we really do have Gods glory in us, because we all have this hope that we can choose to ignore or choose to accept- and it involves being a greater person and it involves living a life free from the things that hold us down."If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" ( C.S Lewis) We were made for a different kind of life!! We are fighting for it everyday- but it's hard to win when you don't realize you're fighting and pick up a sword.

and I was so scared to see this because I thought that if I began to like myself, then I might lose sight of the Savior but the thing is, I'm fighting for the Glory that he has the key to. Anything beautiful about me is beautiful about Him and he's not mad at me that I don't already fully obtain it. He just knows that if he doesn't convict me I might never reach for it.

This life isn't purposed so we go through the process of mundane to become "ready for heaven", it's to fight for what Satan tried to take from us. God wanted us to have life and adventure, he didn't want to lay it all out for us because He knows the joy we will recieve after the battle is over is far greater than anything that He just handed to us.

 

 

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[October 26th, 2007
@ 9:17pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I think I need a break from everyone and everything but my pillow. 
i cant listen anymore, and i can't talk anymore.
i just need to rest

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[October 14th, 2007
@ 3:52pm]
i think i'm about to walk away from one or two of the more beautiful things in my life.



 
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[October 6th, 2007
@ 2:58pm]
[ mood | happy ]

ahh I feel so good and felt I should write because I never write when I'm happy.
I'm not really sure how long this will last, or what the real reason is but I feel perfectly content with life right now.
I know that I've been messing up and I know that I don't deserve this homecoming stuff half as much as people think I do. I know that I lack integrity even now and God probably isn't pleased with that, and things aren't perfect with guys, 

I've been chasing success with God but really I just needed to LOVE

and right now I love people, and I love God and I feel like people love me and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't understand everything but I guess I don't have to. and I realized thanks to a good book and good friends that it's okay where I'm at. To stop looking at what's made me happy in the past and to stop saying " well one day I'll be happy and get what I want" because maybe right now I just happen to have everything I need.

life really can be so beautiful.

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[September 24th, 2007
@ 7:04am]
[ mood | tired ]

 Lord I feel so small sometimes
in this big old place
yeah I know theres more important things
but don't forget to remember me



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[August 24th, 2007
@ 11:56pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

ahh. 
back home from first football game. lost =(
but at least it doesn't count.
WATER GIRLS!!!!!  I love it
I also love the way things are with me and a certain boy.
how it should be.
i want to update about my first week of senior year
but im exhausted. so to be contnued..

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[August 13th, 2007
@ 10:07pm]
hey there. so i'm considering writing a really really really long entry for when people get bored, I mean I don't know how bored one would have to be but today I think I would have read just about anything hahaha. Anywho. Last night I hung out with Hilary, Chayil and Abbey for old times sake before Abbey leaves. It was good- some things change and some things never do. I'm starting to get sad about people leaving. I should update this thing when I'm happy at least you know once a month hahaha. I think I need to write a little bit about why I'm blessed

God loves me, and died for me, and forgives me
I have incredible friends
I go to an awesome school that I'm going to be a senior at next year
I have teachers I can talk to and am excited to see
Music exist
My phone is consistant
Pms can only last so long
My parents are doing the best they know how
Most of the people I care about I'll see in heaven
I can write and run
I can go watch a movie with chayil.

<3
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[July 3rd, 2007
@ 8:52pm]
I NEVER LEFT!!!!! =)
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